I sat at my dining room table, looking at all the white snow fall to the ground. Paint supplies were spread out around me, and my two roommates got started rather quickly. And I just sat. Since we were snowed in for the day, Carmen, Molli Caite and I decided we were much in need of some art worship time. This is where we sit quietly, play worship music, and paint in our journals.
Yet nothing came to me. There were no words I wanted to say. Nothing I wanted to paint. The emotional weight of the week that was resting upon my shoulders left me empty. I felt like I had nothing to even say to Jesus. And that’s when I realized how I was feeling.
A couple nights before that I laid in the darkness of my bedroom. Molli Caite looked over at me and gently asked me how I felt. She knew the weight of what she was asking, for she knew what the Lord had resurfaced to my memory. I was staring at the wall, barely able to whisper, “I feel like my heart is breaking.” This was my soul crying out in pain, for I think it had a better idea of what lay ahead than I even did.
And here we were, sitting in our home in Gainesville a few days later. Exhausted over an emotionally draining week and feeling like I had nothing left to offer or paint. So that’s exactly what I painted. In my exhausted state, I asked the Lord why he brought this up to me. I have grown into a new intimacy with the Lord that brought me so much joy and peace and love. Why bring this up now? Why ruin it all?
Then the Lord came to me. I did not show you this because you are weak, but because you are strong. I kept this from you to protect you, and now I am showing it to you to strengthen you. There is even more healing and more freedom and more joy that I have for you. I am showing you this now because I know it will not destroy you. This is just another area where you can walk in authority and reach others in. I brought this to you not to harm you, but to heal you.
I turned all of my attention to Jesus and told him that my heart is breaking, and at the end of this process, I’m scared there won’t be anything left. After all, that’s how I felt after the first week of this healing process. I felt like I had nothing left. I looked at the Lord and told him that if he continues to take me down this road, my heart will break beyond repair and that there won’t be any part of it left.
“That’s what I want,” He said to me. “I am emptying you out and breaking apart your heart so that I can build up a stronger one in place of it. I am asking you to revisit the things that scare you the most so that I can make you fearless. At the end of this, I don’t want there to be anything left so that I can build you back up again, stronger than ever before. I want to rebuild the House of God inside of you, if you will just be brave enough to go to those places.”
So because I love Jesus more than anything in my life, I went to those places. He asked me to confront things, let go of what I was holding onto, and change some current situations in my life. He told me to lay down what’s good and find what’s best, and He is the best thing for me in this season and every other one. And it hurt. And it was hard.
But later that week He gave me a vision to confirm everything he was doing in me. In Leadership Track, we had to close our eyes and ask the Lord what we needed to let go of. Once I closed my eyes, I looked down at my hands. In them was my heart. Bruised, broken, cracked, and choked. I placed my heart in his hands. Then we were told to ask him what he wanted to give to us. And in my stubborn nature I looked at him and said, “What could you possibly give me that would make this any better. You have my heart, and now there’s nothing left. I don’t even have a heart.” What happened next changed me. Jesus reached inside of his own chest, pulled out His heart, and gave it to me. It was beautiful.
This past week, The Lord has comforted me and gave me clarity to why He was doing this. But that doesn’t always make the process easier. If we are being honest, I’ve spent many nights in the dark, listening to worship music as tears ran down my face. This morning I even went for a run, and didn’t stop running until my body felt the same way my heart did. I have no plans this weekend, and all I wanted to do was go cut my hair and get a new tattoo. Something physical to symbolize all that’s changing on the inside.
Now I have something to say to you, my friend. There is so much hope and glory and grace wrapped up in all of this. Never let your own brokenness and sin choke God’s promises out of you. What God is teaching me is how to make sorrow and suffering my friends, so that way I can learn from them without being afraid and having them rob me of my joy. I am now able to run towards the dark places because I have seen how brightly the Lord’s light shines. I chase freedom, fullness and restoration regardless of what lies around me because I know who goes with me.
And as much as I have learned about brokenness, sorrow, suffering and pain, I have learned even more about God’s faithfulness. He meets us where we are at, but never leaves us where we are at. He desires to take our brokenness and transform it into wholeness. Healing and safety is not away from the storm, but on the other side. Our God robbed the grave, and when we see the size of the storm and run the other way, we are robbing ourselves of the fulfillment of His promises. This is why He lets the storm rage, so that he can teach you, strengthen you, and lead you closer to the wholeness and fullness that He has for you. I urge you to run after Jesus,and to not be afraid when brokenness shows up, because He has something good for you in it.
