For most of all of our lives, we get asked on a pretty constant basis what our plans for both our life and our future are. This starts at a young age with, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” As we get older and into high school, the question turns into, “What college are you going to and what is your major?” Which later turns into, “What career are you pursuing?” Christians are not immune to this question either, it is just skillfully disguised as, “What’s your calling, purpose in life, or what path does the Lord have you on?”
After two years of being surrounded by a missions organization that is very call oriented, I really wrestled with this question. And after much energy and prayer spent over asking God, “Where do you want me to go? What people do you want me to serve? What ministry am I called to?” a thought occurred to me. What if we stopped seeking to discover our purpose, and start becoming our purpose? What if we stopped asking God what He wants us to do or where He wants us to go, and started asking for Him to show us more of who He is and who He says that we are?
No one does this better than David, he was after all described as a man after God’s own heart. Whether he was herding sheep or living as a king, He praised God exactly where He had him. Whatever ground he walked on, and all the places the Lord brought Him, David kept his eyes focused on the kingdom of God and not his current situation. This is what I want for my life.
I want who I am to be so wrapped up with what God himself says about me that it doesn’t matter if people throw spears or flowers as I walk by. In one breath, we were made to stand up against giants with just a slingshot and in another, to fall to our face while crying out our prayers to our God. I want my decisions and my life to reflect the one of Jesus who walked all those years ago, walking in the authority and boldness God knitted together in my soul regardless of what title, calling or position gets placed on me by human beings. I will not limit God’s power to one calling or direction.
This was not what I saw when I looked in the mirror as of two months ago. I’ve spent a lot of time recently, in false humility thinking that I’ve been in my “cave” season like David, surrounded by brokenness. This is because I looked in the mirror and thought I saw David. But as the Lord has been giving me clarity, I looked in the mirror again and for the first time in my life, I saw Saul.
I threw spears out of insecurity because when we become insecure, we become destroyers of the thing that threatens our security. I measured the size of my obstacles against the size of my God and took it upon myself to defend and protect my reputation and identity. I tired to choose my own future by my independent actions out of fear that God didn’t have what was best for me. So I have spent the past two months being struck down and crushed and torn apart. And the ironic thing about this all is that when I first looked in the mirror, I didn’t even like what I saw. Which isn’t actually that ironic because when Saul looked at David, he didn’t like what he saw.
This is the path that I will stay on for the rest of my life. A path of laying down finding God’s will, and pick up becoming God’s will. This is a daily fight for my identity. It is a matter of falling at the feet of Jesus, handing over my control, fear, pride, arrogance, self-pity, and independence, and picking up peace. For the first time in my life, I’m picking up freedom, and power, and love. For me this awkward and seems really really crazy.
I get up every single morning and fight for the identity God has given me which is the exact opposite of everything the world tells me I should be or should do. I get up every single morning and praise a God who is good regardless of my current situation because I am so in love with who He is. And honestly, sometimes the only thing that has gotten me out of bed the past two months is knowing that I get to meet with Jesus and get a new glimpse of who He is. But I have tasted of the goodness and sweetness of a God who cares a lot more about who I am than the specifics of what I am doing, and I am never going back.
